Burned Out

So, long story short, I have spent the last 3 months working 60-80 hours a week on 3 different units to apply to Graduate School for a Master's in Nursing Anesthesia. I wanted to go in June 2010 back in San Antoio, TX through the Army program. I completed and submit my pack just this week. The chief CRNA of anesthesia had me and my buddy Jason as #1 and #2. We wanted to go together because we're a good team and it would have been great to have that support system in place. I rocked the GRE and had been assured by many people who had connections that I was practically accepted into the school. Unfortunately, Branch has other ideas...

When I came to Germany, I signed piece of paper that said I was in Germany for 36 months, no excuses. I had to submit a waiver to curtail my assignment by 6 months. My chief nurse enthusiastically signed it with confidence and I sent it to branch Christmas Eve. Do the math, they have had it for 3 months and said "great, I got your waivers!" I am due to leave Jan 1st of 2011. Like I said, the school starts June of 2010. Supposedly, the Army is down something like 40% on CRNA's. It appeared that the needs of the Army would outweigh the fact that I wanted to leave Germany a little early. Heck, I'll even come back to Germany. However, Branch decided they don't care. My DEROS waiver is being denied. They just decided that last week. So, three months of working my ass off later, my packet will not even be considered for this year. The board only meets once a year in April. Now, I will have to apply for June of 2011. Not only will I have to apply for a 2.5 year program that starts 2.5 years from now, I now have to stay in Germany for 42 months. I went to 5 different senior officers including 2 full-bird colonels and all of them had already gone to Branch to try to pull strings for me. I have turned LRMC upside down since Christmas trying to make this happen. Again, Branch didn't care. I went to the Overseas Service Army Regulation. LTC McKay had told me to find the regulation that stated 30 of 36 months count for an overseas tour and qualify you for things like curtailment. If I had something in print, I could fight Branch. Oh yeah, that policy is from 1988 and has since been revised. Now, there is no way out.

Needless to say, I'm pretty upset. Everyone said, "oh, 1 year won't make a difference. No big deal, don't worry about it." But to young little me, it is a big deal and a year is lot. These last 3 months I've been tired, stressed, and working my ass off to finish this packet. It was literally the day I was finishing it up to mail it that COL Cornett came to the floor to tell me Branch was being a butthead. It's one thing to work your ass off and get results. It's another to work your ass of and be shut down late in the game. If they had seen my waiver in December and told me right away, I would have thought, "well, that sucks" but I wouldn't have been so devastated. I would have enjoyed the last few months a little more, not worked quite so often, or created quite so many waves with a few of the higher-ups. I honestly have never worked so hard for anything yet. I don't remember getting into undergrad being this time consuming or difficult.

It's hard to imagine being 29 years old before I get to complete this program. I wanted to do it now so that maybe I wouldn't be in my 30's before I met a nice guy and wanted to get married. I didn't want to get married, have a family, and then abandon them for 2.5 years to go to school. I'm ahead of the curve at LRMC. Many of my peers still enjoy ward nursing, or they are just deciding what they want to do. I know what I want to do and I hate feeling held back. Honestly, if I had known that it would be impossible before coming, I wouldn't have come to Germany as my first duty station. Germany is great, it's fun to travel, but the war is different now. We see very few battle injuries and mostly get 23 hour post-op admits. It's not very acute and not the best place for a brand new nurse to be. Germany is a much better follow-on duty station for someone who would be here doing what they want to be doing.

So, because I have amazing superiors, we haven't totally given up yet. My packet is still being submited from the LRMC end, and I will still try to negotiate with Branch. Flexibility and always being prepared were stressed to me. Things COULD change. People have asked me if I've thought about just getting out and doing it civilian... but, the Army is the 2nd best program, turns out some of the most independent practitioners and I'm still eligable to go sooner by Army standards than civilian standards. Not only that, it's paid for and I still get paid. It's too good a deal not to stay.

I'm still supposed to deploy downrange. The dates have been pushed closer to August than June or July. The first group just got there a few weeks ago. In the meanwhile, I am going to independently take an Organic Chemistry course. It's 16 weeks and it's all distance learning. It's rather expensive, but it'll make next year that much easier when I start the re-application process in the fall.

Soon, I am supposed to be moved to either the Post-Anesthesia Recovery Unit OR the Emergency Room. It's kind of a toss up. PACU is as close to the OR as you can get. BUT, ER is critical care. The catch is, LRMC's ER is a conveniency clinic. All REAL ER cases go to the German economy... Of course the occasional real emergency comes in. But that's a rare situation. I do not know when I'll be moved or where it will be. It's still in the works. But again, great superiors are working very hard for me. Well, in exchange for me being "sponsor of the month" again. Apparently of all the LRMC nurses, I'm the only one in the hospital who can do this job. They did it to me in February, some of March, someone else took over, I got it back, they took back over, and now it's back to me in April.

Since I'm now suckered into staying in Germany longer I've got more trips that I'll need to take. Travel is back on, 80 hour work-weeks are over (for now). Paris is this weekend (YAAAY!! I need a break!!), Greece is May (hopefully), and who knows what else. Maybe Egypt will manage to fit in there somewhere. I work on my brithday, but Paris is close enough to it. Ultimately, all I want is the be able to pay for that Organic Chemistry class.

I know that everything happens for a reason and that I will later understand that reason and that whatever happens will be happening for the better. But right now, I still don't feel that way and I'm still getting over the disappointment.

Well, I have got to get some sleep. Tomorrow is my 5th 12 hour shift in a row...